I've been thinking about food way too much lately. I'm obsessed with what I can do, how to fix things, etc. It's bringing back some of my crappy behaviors I had back in college when I was diagnosed with bulimarexia. For those of you who don't know what this is, here's a link to a good description:
http://weighingthefacts.blogspot.com/2008/03/bulimarexia.html
In my life, the binging is "balanced" with what is basically anorexia as the purging. I feel it taking over again. I've never gone in for vomiting or laxatives as a purge... but I do get feeling guilty about food and basically squelch any hunger stimuli. I have periods of time where I really fight to eat healthy, but if I am not putting in TONS of effort to do so, I fall into a natural back and forth between giving up and eating way too much of lots of junk or just putting it all out of my head and ignoring my body's hunger cues...
I fluctuate between practically starving myself and eating 5000 calories in a day... a pound of bacon, half a case of Mt Dew, a full big bag of Cheetos, candy cookies sweets, etc.
I am really struggling right now.
I feel like my stress is too high to have much energy left over to take time and care about my food, and as a result I'm torn between a desperate need to eat lots right now because I'm practically starving and not caring what it is I'm eating and a total aversion to eating anything unhealthy thus periods of not eating really at all... "best to not eat anything if all i'm gonna eat is junk."
I know a lot of people have a very cut and dried response to how to fix this sort of thing... if that's you don't bother leaving any comments. This is a really serious struggle in my life and I'm scared about being me right now. There isn't such a thing as a quick fix, simple solution, or "all you have to do is..." There isn't. If you think you have one, don't bother replying.
I am aware of the logical solution. I know the right things to eat. I am aware of *how* to eat healthy. I often don't have the energy or money to do so, and as a result I also reject eating poorly... thus I just have periods of time where I don't eat much of anything at all. I just go into a place of mind-numb. I just turn off all awareness of hunger and food. I ignore the whole shebang without even trying to... there's a fear of eating the wrong thing... there's fear of getting even fatter. I don't try to stop eating, I just do it without even thinking about it. I don't even try to stop eating... I just make the choice to not eat junk... and without eating junk, I end up not eating... not having the energy to work on something that's not junk. Not having the energy to figure something out that is an acceptable solution to this hunger/need food/sustain my life somehow sort of problem. This process of non-eating doesn't feel good. I just ignore it all as long as I can though. I just put it out of my mind because I can't deal with it.
After a time, I can't sustain that any more... and I just need something now... I still don't have the energy to deal with finding something healthy, and by then it's pretty much too late to try for something healthy... I stuff myself with crap. starvation followed by totally empty calories, overprocesses foods, high fat, high salt, yummy, easy, no-preparation-required junk food. I eat more than I should because it's all so calorie dense that I eat probably 2-3 times what anyone should in a day. I don't feel good when I do this.
This brings on feelings of guilt that I'm not eating well... and I go right back to starving myself to make up for the overload of calories.
When I say I put it out of my mind, I ignore it, it's not like I make a choice to ignore it. It's not like I think, "Oh, I'm hungry... best to ignore that since I can't manage to cook healthy stuff right now." It's more like there's an automatic stress-trigger switch that kicks in and puts me into automatic override... Just like when I ignore the mess in my house, ignore the dishes piling up, ignore the laundry... all out of clean... re-wear it... better than being naked. Just like I ignore the cues to sleep when I need to and end up in a second or third wind, unable to get to sleep, unable to rest and recharge my batteries. Just like I ignore the balance in my bank account - stress, can't deal, override, ignore. I don't put forth any conscious effort to do this... it just happens as a natural "coping with being crazy" mechanism that I've developed without trying. In order to overcome any of these things, I have to implement huge expenses of energy. I have to pool together a TON of "spoons" so I can get anything accomplished. If you haven't read about spoons, you can do so here: http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory-written-by-christine-miserandino/
Something happened to me... at some point or another, I developed PTSD. One of the things that has resulted is this automatic shut-down related to things that are stressful. I don't like it. I feel powerless against it. The more I struggle to deal with things that are stressful, the bigger the negative impact in my ability to cope and get through. I put it out of my head. When I struggle against it and force myself to deal with it, I am a total mess, a wreck. I lose a day or two to simply not being able to do anything, crying continually... total water-works... my "spoons" go on strike.
This certainly contributes in a big way to my emotional health problems.
This certainly contributes to mood shifts, sleep problems, ill health.
This certainly contributes to my overal appearance of being a slob, fat, crazy, and shitty with time and money.
I would much prefer to eat healthy foods, eat regularly, get plenty of exercise without overdoing it, avoid junk food and overprocessed calorie dense junk, etc. I would prefer to be a good example to my daughter, to provide her with healthy meals and help get her active.
As it is, I'm going to end up ruining my daughter's future too by teaching her horrible habits when it comes to food.
I hate myself for being like this. I hate that it's still something I struggle with. I hate that I just stop wanting to eat, stop feeling hungry, stop having appetite.
I am getting fatter and fatter. I am losing my ability to be active. I am not a happy person. I have no idea what to do, how to change this, how to fix things. I feel totaly alone in this, as if I'm the only person in the world who struggles with this problem, with food, with weight, with eating, with guilt.
I know that isn't the case logically. I know that. But logic isn't helping how I feel.
I spend so much energy just trying to formulate a plan, trying to find a way to overcome this, trying to implement change to be healthy... and I can't do it. I am just alone too much. I am just letting my stupid back and forth cycle take over because I don't have the energy to take care of myself. I can't do it.
I make it two or three days of eating healthy food, making meals, eating balanced nutrition, even sometimes going and getting some exercise. But then it all crumbles back into nothing. No real progress made, no real improvement... and I'm right back to letting my emotional crap rule my life.
I'll be visiting my therapist tomorrow and discussing this with her, but I also feel really screwed up right now. I feel like my emotions are all over the place, like I'm really just struggling day-to-day to make it through the basics... shower, dress myself, keep dishes caught up, catch up on laundry, homework, care for the pets, etc. There are several things in my life that are slippping, falling apart, wrecked because of my total inability to do more in a day. I feel like my friendships are all suffering... I feel like I've really pulled back to a place of emotional isolation which is making it even more difficult for me to survive. I don't feel like I can change that right now either. I'm only making minimal plans with anyone... and I'm not spending time with many of the people in my life that I care about.
I just needed to get this all out, I don't know if there's anything to do, anything that can be done... I just can't sit in my head with my thoughts any more. It's all just a jumbled mess.
The only way I see this changing is if I can find *some* way to live in a community of people who love and accept me as I am, who are dedicated to helping me, and who care enough to take over when I shut down. I have no idea how I can ever find/create/build that... even though it's what I've longed for. The older I get, the more I feel isolated and alone. What am I doing wrong?
I daydream of having a few people in my life that are dedicated to health, fitness, nutrition... who pick up the slack when I falter, who help give me a hand up and encourage me to keep trying when I feel like I can't possibly go another day. I don't have it. I really need it. I am not able to get through alone any more.
I almost spat venom at the therapist who started bickering with me about the definition of "normal" or "struggling with things" - I don't need to be told that everyone struggles, and that there's no such thing as normal. I am not normal. I likely will never have a life that even closely approximates normal. I don't crave normal... what I do crave is less of the "struggling with things." I know that "everyone struggles with things" but the thing is... in my mind... it's like comparing how one swims. Some people jump in the ocean or a lake and off they go. Yeah... their view is - well all you have to do is jump in and swim. They think the solution is to give lessons on the breast stroke, the back stroke, etc. Here's how you hold your breath when floating, here's how you breath as you do this stroke or that stroke.
Thing is... for some of us, swimming isn't that easy. Imagine being tossed in with no arms or legs. Imagine that the body of water you're told to swim in is quick sand, or a kiddie pool... or worse yet a thimble. Imagine that the water is inhabited by sharks, crocodiles, or phirana. Or worse yet, something small and slowly damaging like leeches or microscopic parasitic worms.
I feel like when I'm told by a healthy swimmer "just jump in and swim... what's the big deal," (a.k.a. just cut out the bad things, just eat healthy, just have good things on hand in your kitchen, etc." really it's just a quick dodge of the problem. The person doesn't struggle, therefore doesn't udnerstand that there's a genuine struggle going on.
I feel like when I'm told by someone in a lovely, large, warm-ish, clean body of water to just give it a try, it's nice here... They don't see what I'm seeing. They can't see the dangers, the limitations, the struggle that goes into trying to swim.
I am not well, I want to be well, I feel hopeless and pessimistic at my chances to ever be well. I am depressed by who I am, by how I'm limited, and by how much each thing I do costs me in "spoons".
I feel desperate and scared. I feel depressed. I feel lonely, isolated, abandonded. I feel unworthy of more, better, happy. I feel there's no chance for more, better, happy. I feel resigned to hating life, hating myself, hating my inability to make improvements.
My emotions are taking over my ability to think today so I'll just stop now. I'm not doing well. Please help if you can.
No comments:
Post a Comment