They called it bulimarexia.

I've been thinking about food way too much lately.  I'm obsessed with what I can do, how to fix things, etc.  It's bringing back some of my crappy behaviors I had back in college when I was diagnosed with bulimarexia.  For those of you who don't know what this is, here's a link to a good description:

http://weighingthefacts.blogspot.com/2008/03/bulimarexia.html

In my life, the binging is "balanced" with what is basically anorexia as the purging.  I feel it taking over again.  I've never gone in for vomiting or laxatives as a purge... but I do get feeling guilty about food and basically squelch any hunger stimuli.  I have periods of time where I really fight to eat healthy, but if I am not putting in TONS of effort to do so, I fall into a natural back and forth between giving up and eating way too much of lots of junk or just putting it all out of my head and ignoring my body's hunger cues...  

I fluctuate between practically starving myself and eating 5000 calories in a day... a pound of bacon, half a case of Mt Dew, a full big bag of Cheetos, candy cookies sweets, etc. 

I am really struggling right now. 

I feel like my stress is too high to have much energy left over to take time and care about my food, and as a result I'm torn between a desperate need to eat lots right now because I'm practically starving and not caring what it is I'm eating and a total aversion to eating anything unhealthy thus periods of not eating really at all... "best to not eat anything if all i'm gonna eat is junk."

I know a lot of people have a very cut and dried response to how to fix this sort of thing... if that's you don't bother leaving any comments.  This is a really serious struggle in my life and I'm scared about being me right now.  There isn't such a thing as a quick fix, simple solution, or "all you have to do is..."  There isn't.  If you think you have one, don't bother replying.   

I am aware of the logical solution.  I know the right things to eat.  I am aware of *how* to eat healthy.  I often don't have the energy or money to do so, and as a result I also reject eating poorly...  thus I just have periods of time where I don't eat much of anything at all.  I just go into a place of mind-numb.  I just turn off all awareness of hunger and food.  I ignore the whole shebang without even trying to...  there's a fear of eating the wrong thing... there's fear of getting even fatter.  I don't try to stop eating, I just do it without even thinking about it.  I don't even try to stop eating... I just make the choice to not eat junk... and without eating junk, I end up not eating...  not having the energy to work on something that's not junk.  Not having the energy to figure something out that is an acceptable solution to this hunger/need food/sustain my life somehow sort of problem.  This process of non-eating doesn't feel good.  I just ignore it all as long as I can though.  I just put it out of my mind because I can't deal with it.  

After a time, I can't sustain that any more... and I just need something now... I still don't have the energy to deal with finding something healthy, and by then it's pretty much too late to try for something healthy... I stuff myself with crap.  starvation followed by totally empty calories, overprocesses foods, high fat, high salt, yummy, easy, no-preparation-required junk food.  I eat more than I should because it's all so calorie dense that I eat probably 2-3 times what anyone should in a day.  I don't feel good when I do this.

This brings on feelings of guilt that I'm not eating well...  and I go right back to starving myself to make up for the overload of calories.  

When I say I put it out of my mind, I ignore it, it's not like I make a choice to ignore it.  It's not like I think, "Oh, I'm hungry... best to ignore that since I can't manage to cook healthy stuff right now."  It's more like there's an automatic stress-trigger switch that kicks in and puts me into automatic override...  Just like when I ignore the mess in my house, ignore the dishes piling up, ignore the laundry... all out of clean... re-wear it... better than being naked.  Just like I ignore the cues to sleep when I need to and end up in a second or third wind, unable to get to sleep, unable to rest and recharge my batteries.  Just like I ignore the balance in my bank account - stress, can't deal, override, ignore.  I don't put forth any conscious effort to do this... it just happens as a natural "coping with being crazy" mechanism that I've developed without trying.  In order to overcome any of these things, I have to implement huge expenses of energy.  I have to pool together a TON of "spoons" so I can get anything accomplished. If you haven't read about spoons, you can do so here:  http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory-written-by-christine-miserandino/

Something happened to me... at some point or another, I developed PTSD.  One of the things that has resulted is this automatic shut-down related to things that are stressful.  I don't like it.  I feel powerless against it.  The more I struggle to deal with things that are stressful, the bigger the negative impact in my ability to cope and get through.  I put it out of my head.  When I struggle against it and force myself to deal with it, I am a total mess, a wreck.  I lose a day or two to simply not being able to do anything, crying continually...  total water-works...  my "spoons" go on strike.  

This certainly contributes in a big way to my emotional health problems.  

This certainly contributes to mood shifts, sleep problems, ill health. 

This certainly contributes to my overal appearance of being a slob, fat, crazy, and shitty with time and money.

I would much prefer to eat healthy foods, eat regularly, get plenty of exercise without overdoing it, avoid junk food and overprocessed calorie dense junk, etc.  I would prefer to be a good example to my daughter, to provide her with healthy meals and help get her active.

As it is, I'm going to end up ruining my daughter's future too by teaching her horrible habits when it comes to food.

I hate myself for being like this.  I hate that it's still something I struggle with.  I hate that I just stop wanting to eat, stop feeling hungry, stop having appetite.  

I am getting fatter and fatter.  I am losing my ability to be active.  I am not a happy person.  I have no idea what to do, how to change this, how to fix things.  I feel totaly alone in this, as if I'm the only person in the world who struggles with this problem, with food, with weight, with eating, with guilt.

I know that isn't the case logically.  I know that.  But logic isn't helping how I feel.  

I spend so much energy just trying to formulate a plan, trying to find a way to overcome this, trying to implement change to be healthy... and I can't do it.  I am just alone too much.  I am just letting my stupid back and forth cycle take over because I don't have the energy to take care of myself.  I can't do it.  

I make it two or three days of eating healthy food, making meals, eating balanced nutrition, even sometimes going and getting some exercise.  But then it all crumbles back into nothing.  No real progress made, no real improvement... and I'm right back to letting my emotional crap rule my life.  

I'll be visiting my therapist tomorrow and discussing this with her, but I also feel really screwed up right now.  I feel like my emotions are all over the place, like I'm really just struggling day-to-day to make it through the basics...  shower, dress myself, keep dishes caught up, catch up on laundry, homework, care for the pets, etc.  There are several things in my life that are slippping, falling apart, wrecked because of my total inability to do more in a day.  I feel like my friendships are all suffering... I feel like I've really pulled back to a place of emotional isolation which is making it even more difficult for me to survive.  I don't feel like I can change that right now either.  I'm only making minimal plans with anyone... and I'm not spending time with many of the people in my life that I care about.  

I just needed to get this all out, I don't know if there's anything to do, anything that can be done...  I just can't sit in my head with my thoughts any more.  It's all just a jumbled mess.

The only way I see this changing is if I can find *some* way to live in a community of people who love and accept me as I am, who are dedicated to helping me, and who care enough to take over when I shut down.  I have no idea how I can ever find/create/build that... even though it's what I've longed for.  The older I get, the more I feel isolated and alone.  What am I doing wrong?  

I daydream of having a few people in my life that are dedicated to health, fitness, nutrition... who pick up the slack when I falter, who help give me a hand up and encourage me to keep trying when I feel like I can't possibly go another day.  I don't have it.  I really need it.  I am not able to get through alone any more.  

I almost spat venom at the therapist who started bickering with me about the definition of "normal" or "struggling with things" - I don't need to be told that everyone struggles, and that there's no such thing as normal.  I am not normal.  I likely will never have a life that even closely approximates normal.  I don't crave normal... what I do crave is less of the "struggling with things."  I know that "everyone struggles with things" but the thing is... in my mind... it's like comparing how one swims.  Some people jump in the ocean or a lake and off they go.  Yeah... their view is - well all you have to do is jump in and swim.  They think the solution is to give lessons on the breast stroke, the back stroke, etc.  Here's how you hold your breath when floating, here's how you breath as you do this stroke or that stroke.  

Thing is... for some of us, swimming isn't that easy.  Imagine being tossed in with no arms or legs.  Imagine that the body of water you're told to swim in is quick sand, or a kiddie pool... or worse yet a thimble.  Imagine that the water is inhabited by sharks, crocodiles, or phirana.  Or worse yet, something small and slowly damaging like leeches or microscopic parasitic worms.  

I feel like when I'm told by a healthy swimmer "just jump in and swim... what's the big deal,"  (a.k.a. just cut out the bad things, just eat healthy, just have good things on hand in your kitchen, etc."  really it's just a quick dodge of the problem.  The person doesn't struggle, therefore doesn't udnerstand that there's a genuine struggle going on.  

I feel like when I'm told by someone in a lovely, large, warm-ish, clean body of water to just give it a try, it's nice here...  They don't see what I'm seeing. They can't see the dangers, the limitations, the struggle that goes into trying to swim.  

I am not well, I want to be well, I feel hopeless and pessimistic at my chances to ever be well.  I am depressed by who I am, by how I'm limited, and by how much each thing I do costs me in "spoons".  

I feel desperate and scared.  I feel depressed.  I feel lonely, isolated, abandonded.  I feel unworthy of more, better, happy.  I feel there's no chance for more, better, happy.  I feel resigned to hating life, hating myself, hating my inability to make improvements.  

My emotions are taking over my ability to think today so I'll just stop now.  I'm not doing well.  Please help if you can.  

Fixing the food

I'm working on shifting into clean eating as described by Tosca Reno in her book "The Eat Clean Diet Recharged!"  I'm going to be spending 7 days with the Gluten Free (GF) menu plan in the back of that book.  I think that will be a good crash course in how it all works, giving me a feel for what I'm supposed to aim for. 

My friend Michael Offutt (http://slckismet.blogspot.com/) will be joining me on this new adventure.  We're both hoping to be healthier, leaner, full of energy, and as a result - happier.  I've just had a full night of insomnia and as a result I've been piddling around with the menu plan, looking into calorie count to make sure it would fit with his goals, and "fixing" a couple of items on the list... for instance apples aren't a favorite for either of us, so I'm replacing them a couple of times on the menu with other luscious fruit like cherries.  (We'll have apples once this week, just not two or three times.) 

So for today, we'll start with a picante frittata - eggs with sauteed bell pepper, onion, and radish greens which I subbed in for the recommended baby spinach - had some extra greens figured I could cut costs by using what I already had.  That will be served with a slice of whole grain bread (GF for me) and some green or black tea - I haven't decided yet.  I've been sipping my water already - supposed to have aprox 1 liter of water to kick start the morning.  :)  Then we'll have some cherries and cashews with a glass of water as a mid-morning snack.  For lunch we get gazpacho and grilled chicken breast - again with a glass of water.  Our mid-afternoon snack is trail mix and a peach with water.  Then tonight's dinner is grilled salmon, steamed asparagus and bok choy, and brown rice...  more water.  (It's good to have it on the menu's list because I really suck at drinking enough water in the day.)  We get a before bedtime snack of tomato slices and a couple of boiled eggs (if we're still hungry then) and a bit of herbal tea - perhaps some sleepytime or ginger-lemon. 

It should be a full day of eats, without any significant energy drops.  I hope this works.  :)

Return?

Okay, so on Feb 27 I went with my friend Eli to the gym and got in a 350 calorie work-out on the recumbent bicycle exerciser.  I didn't remember to blog about it, but I remembered to mentally keep track of it.  I intended to go more, but depression, illness, and the birth of a baby (my cousin's not mine - I'm not having one) got in the way.  I've been struggling with depression for a couple of months at least, but recently the flowers bloomed and my long-lasting depression lifted in some sort of cosmic alignment with the daffodils.  Now, I'd say I'm not at 100%, but I feel like the dark cloud of the winter months was scared away by all that yellow out in my front yard.  :) 
Today (read the 23rd, not the 24th) I went to the gym.  It wasn't difficult, I didn't have to force myself to do so.  I just thought, hey I've got time...  might as well get in a work out.  It was really that easy for me today.  I figured I'd better do as much as possible since I don't know how long it will be until I get back to it, so I spent 65 min on the elliptical and 45 min on the recumbent bike.  All-in-all I burned something like 760 calories.  :D 
I'm exhausted now, have been going all day.  In addition to the workout, I also had lunch with Jessica, helped my friend Eli in his garden and grow-room, helped my mom with some xeroxing, did a few hours of knitting, gave Shae a massage, and worked to rearrange/sort/purge/organize my kitchen a bit - it's been feeling unruly as of late.  I'd go so far as to say I'm on the manic end of my bipolar experience right now.  Hope I can temper it enough to not result in a huge crash/burn-out/etc.  I have a lot I need to accomplish in the next few weeks.

music makes a huge difference

So, I made it in to the gym this morning, don't know how I missed it last week...  guess that's the way of it sometimes. 
When I left to take my daughter to school this morning, I remembered to take my water bottle, wear my work-out clothes, and take my bandana so I don't drip sweat in my eyes so I would stop by the gym before returning home.  What I neglected to take was my music.  :(  I knew that if I came home I'd find some reason to not go back, but without the music it would be horrible to do a serious work-out.  Well... half an hour is better than none at all... got in just over 300 calories killed in today's workout.  It was much worse "torture" than a workout usually is.  The four out of five TVs that were on had NO closed captioning, so I had my choice of watching basketball, soccer, news, or the Price is Right... all without any sound or captioning.  Whee!  I suspect I could have managed an hour or so if I had music, but without it my experience was just draining... I noticed every creaky achy pain for the entire half hour.  With music I can often go for an hour, and sometimes even an hour and a half.  Guess I better be more careful next time to take the tunes. 

300

Yesterday, I planned on going to the gym much earlier, but after dinner and games with friends, it turned out I still hadn't made it.  I'm trying to go every other day at a minimum, and yesterday was one of the every other days I needed to go... so I traipsed over there around 10:30pm, did a half an hour workout on the elliptical machine, and got home around 11:30.  Burned aprox 300 calories.  It's something, even if it's not a whole hell of a lot.  Glad I went, don't want to fall out of my every other day plan.

600+

So, yesterday was a horrible day for me, full of weepy. 
In spite of it, I decided to head to the gym, I understand it sometimes helps with mood. 
I got in a 600+ calorie burn workout... did an "alpine climb" on the elliptical machine.
Then, I wept all the way home.  Sucks.
Bipolar disorder just takes away a day here, a day there...  but I am fortunate lately, my up and down swings seem to be a matter of days lately rather than weeks or months. 
The exercise didn't immediately help.  But, I feel like some time between 10 and 11, my mood lifted.  It was as if I was injected with helium.  I flipped to a bit too manic to sleep, and was up until after 6am this morning. 
Ended up sleeping much of today away, but woke in time to get my daughter and two of her friends from school.  I made some strawberry lemonade from scratch and some guacamole to go with the chips and salsa I picked up on the way home from school.  We had a lovely after-school snack.

One friend has been collected, the other one's staying for dinner.  We're having vegetarian BBQ riblets, mashed potatoes, and steamed broccoli.
Today's better by far than yesterday.
After dinner when R's friend has been retrieved, I'll be heading over to Mike's place to watch some TV.  :D  Alcatraz!

300 calories... and I'm back

Okay, so I only had just over a half an hour for the work-out because I've got to be to the game store by 7pm or I won't get to play in the tournament tonight.  But, I did get in a 300 calorie burn in that time on the elliptical machine.  :D  Feels good.  Looking forward to squeezing in more workouts in the coming week.  Kinda wish I didn't have to do it alone.  :(

long awaited return

Okay, for whatever reason my exercise routine got completely derailed.  Today I'll return to the gym for the first time in something like 3 months.  My daughter's at a birthday party, and with the time that frees up, I feel ready to go back.  I hope it goes well.